I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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