that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
