and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my liver is dry heaving
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
