Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
