I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The air was thick with penises
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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