it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
