He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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