i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
