I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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