I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
