textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
