sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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