My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
