Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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