Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
two words: eviction party
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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