About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
