I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
