why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
