If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
