There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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