i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
