Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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