Jerry, you need to find god
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
