im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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