if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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