Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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