so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
