I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
