I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
