I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Randomize
