I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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