Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
be right there i have to get my cape
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
