The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
