Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
