I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
