you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
