How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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