Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
