Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
