I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
