i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
