She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
