I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
