You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
