I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
