Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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