My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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