so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
my liver is dry heaving
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
