Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
