Farmville is her only friend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also, beer. Big fan.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
